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The Big Bad Wolf
By Anne Gianni
The Gianni Group, Rutland, VT
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Have you ever had to be firm with someone, yet continue to smile to not make it seem so harsh? If so, perhaps you, too, have played the role of "The Big Bad Wolf". Those of you who read my article, We Breathe Together, were probably rolling your eyes thinking how nice it must be that our home is so calm, even despite our issues with my husband's brain injury. However, no one is perfect and it wouldn’t be fair if I shared only the positive points of our brain injury survival journey.
Under all the flowers and unconditional love and support, there are many dark days. I’ve had to play "The Big Bad Wolf" quite recently and this article explains why. Brain injury survival is difficult at all times. But when the survivor has the motivation to do everything as before the accident, the caregiver has to use some judgment and intervene at times to protect the person - whether it be physically, mentally or financially.
Driving the Car
My husband is at a very high rate of recovery in his brain injury. As a very independent person prior to his brain injury, he was used to going about his business and making his own decisions. If he needed to go somewhere, he got in his car and he went. These days it’s a bit more difficult.
Three years ago, I will never forget the first time I got in a car with Paul as the driver. I held onto the door handle for dear life as he whipped around corners, slammed his brakes at the last minute due to his lack of perception to the stopped car in front of him, and drove at outrageous speeds with no concern for my safety or his own. When I mentioned his driving to him, he quickly showed me the document he had from the Department of Motor Vehicles and his physician saying that he was well enough to operate a vehicle. Perhaps his physician should have taken a joyride with him in the car a couple times before making that assumption.
I love my husband more than anything. That was the reason I decided that if we were to continue in our relationship at the time, he would have to give up driving for a little while. I mentioned to him that I was concerned for his safety and the safety of others. We didn’t need another head injury. It took a while for him to take me seriously and eventually he agreed with me. Though he kept his driver's license, he stopped driving.
Then came the evening that we picked up our new car at the dealership. Feeling that it was unfair to not even let him try out the car that both our names were going on, I asked if he wanted to drive from the supermarket back to our home. Two years since the first time I rode with Paul, I saw that his road perception hadn’t changed. Though I could tell he was trying to be very careful, it just wasn’t working for me. He still didn’t give me the feeling that he knew exactly what he was doing behind the wheel.
At this point, the Big Bad Wolf had to come into the picture and explain that it still wasn’t time yet. Someday I hope to have Paul re-enrolled in a driving course. However, I feel it is imperative that a physician ride in our passenger seat this time. Perhaps there will be a better decision.
Handling Money
Finances are another issue in our home where I have had to assume my Big Bad Wolf role. I have been in charge of our finances since I saw Paul bounce check after check while we were dating. Bills would come in the mail and he would toss them aside, not even opening them. I knew that if I was going to marry this man and combine our finances, then I had to take the reigns.
Since then, I have managed our checking account and all our bills. We have no debt and it feels good that way. Though Paul knows this, he still at times complains that he has no financial control and that he “needs” something. There are days when my frustration just belts out “Fine, take the checkbook, take ALL the money.” However, I know that if I were serious, he would go into any store and purchase things he “needs” just because.
For instance, Paul has recently looked into teaching a computer course at a local correctional facility for inmates who would like to achieve their GED. He had not even been hired for the position and had not even completed his course outline to submit to the facility, but he wanted to purchase an $80 leather bag for his teaching job. In addition to this, he wanted to buy all new work clothes.
As horrible as I felt, I had to say no. I told him that he should not purchase these items until he was hired. I had to take into consideration his excitement for getting out there and working a couple hours at something he loves, but I also had to keep it real. Yes, I was again…The Big Bad Wolf. If it were up to Paul, we would deplete our savings and go spend like crazy. I can’t let this happen. Paul gets mad at me a lot of times for making these decisions. We argue back and forth about different things. I try to pound reality into his thoughts and he argues like a murder attorney until he can’t argue anymore.
Message for Caregivers
Many caregivers have to put on their Big Bad Wolf costume. It hurts and it is one of the hardest things that we must do. However, in the long run, it is to protect the best interest of the survivor. My advice is to have an exact explanation for the survivor as to why you are setting these parameters. “Just because” is not a good enough reason. Tell them why, as this is how they learn. Eventually, they may come to realize that everything you did was for their own well being. I am still hoping that my husband recognizes this and will someday applaud my Big Bad Wolf performance.
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